Seranade!

So far, many things went smoothly in my life, imho. Kayak, yaudah aja gitu. Altho i don't really think too much about it, sometimes i wonder why. Even my closest people said something along the line, like, 'why are you so lucky?' Well, am i? I got rejection emails. lots of them. I failed classes, I make mistakes. See, people don't talk about rejection openly. Sometimes it even makes others feel small or insecure, even my own good friends feel it towards ME??? yo... Perhaps i just move on easily (i see this pattern with my relationships also tho lmao). Yknow, like when you flip a coin, it's a 50:50 chance, that's just how it is. this is in no way canceling the fact that im privilege, im well aware of that. it's just that, if you're facing rejection or a hard time right now, you are not alone lovelies. Gimana ya, i think it's just pretty normal, don't really make a big deal out of it. Well, not to invalidate their feelings but yall i face rejection...

Finally gonna continue this kind of a series lol Hai! Sekarang aku pengangguran (BOOO!) jadi banyak waktu buat nulis blog deh Sekarang lagi sibuk ngurus buat ke CH, sebenernya banyakan browsing gitu, gak begitu nyita tenaga. So, as I said before, PTSD had taken over my life and I needed to get out *  just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta hereeee*    gurl we be in ch for almost a year now get a grip lmao that's how much i procrastinate. Hal-hal yang membuat aku bisa pulih dan lanjut nulis laporan setelah 2 minggu keluar dari RS: 1. Obat dan Psikiater Fridep and Clobazam were my baes! Mungkin setelah minum obat rasanya agak lebih tenang gitu, terus pikiran-pikiran anehnya bisa teredam. Cons: bikin ngantuk. Susah juga ngerjain laporan kalo habis minum obat. Aku minum obat selama sekitar 4-5 bulan intens, terus coba-coba buat gak minum rutin. Syukurlah hari ini aku sudah bisa lepas dari obat-obat itu. Sempet terakhir minum obat beberapa sebulan/dua bulan yang...

Salut! as you may know right now, 2020 is basically a disaster. We're in the middle of this pandemic called COVID19 and I mean, I know it means that im a part of a big historical event but MAN this sucks. I just started my master (not really, but yknow i was so hyped for spring and summer) et VOILA! i couldnt go anywhere. Ok not that i hate it tho. It's actually pretty convenient for me as well, i didn't get to see too many ppl, which is quite nice, but it's getting boring and i think one time i got so sick of it. Mais maintenant je pense tout le monde s'est adapté au 'new normal'. if you're here with me in vaud, i bet you've seen this literally EVERYWHERE (cr:  https://www.svmed.ch/message-de-lofsp-concernant-coronavirus/ )  well, summer's approaching, people demand their holiday. Since we've been doing this lockdown since march 19th, people stopped being worried too much and i barely see anyone with masks these days. I went to th...

yeah, basically.. I'M NOT IN INDO ANYMORE Sekarang sudah minggu ketiga, mau masuk minggu keempat, and so far so good! Lausanne cantik banget! As expected from switzerland tho... Maintenant, j'écris mon journal en français parce que mon français est très mauvais mdr :( mais tout le monde parle français :( Alors, je voudrais apprendre mon français ici! et aussi, je veux publier des photos! Voila! Bienvenue à Lausanne! Bisous, Serafina

this is a delayed post :( I've been wanting to write about my trip to these places but haven't got the time to do so. I and a friend of mine have been planning to go to vihara for some time and we finally did! We met at the station and proceeded to go to De Javasche Bank (I almost got hit by a motorcycle but all is good). This building was initially a bank but now it's a museum. We paid Rp 5000 for the ticket and we were served with beautiful history of Indonesia's economy. Although it's not too interactive but it's better than most museums. The rooms are nice and cold, the visuals are pretty aaaand we luckily got the chance to watch the history of De Javasche Bank in an immersive room! It was part of the package but they don't always play the movie. There's this cool room filled with gold bars and there's also a room full of money from around the world.... well yea basically it's all about the money money money Next! We went to Vihara...

So as you may know from my previous post, I got PTSD and I've learned so much from it. On March 2018, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder. Sebenernya, diagnosa awalnya memang bukan PTSD, tapi dua hal itu ada di PTSD, dan setelah beberapa kali konsul ke psikiater dan bicara sama orang-orang yang memang paham mental illness, I came to a conclusion that it is PTSD. How bad was it? Well, idk, I don't really want to scare people out, but... Awal pas parah-parahnya sih sampai gak bisa denger suara motor, ketukan pintu, ringtone HP. Pasti langsung susah nafas, deg-degan, keringetan, tremor, yea stuff like that. Namanya serangan panik, dan rasanya gak enak banget. Parahnya juga saat itu lagi penelitian tugas akhir dan tinggal nulis laporan. Like, hell, I don't want to redo the whole thing, lemme just do this no matter what. So yeah, setelah diagnosa awal, aku rawat inap 2 hari kayaknya, terus jeda penlit dulu, pulang ke rumah selama dua minggu. Kenapa cuma...

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START I'M SUPER EXCITED So on June 29th until 30th, I visited Baduy, both Dalam and Luar (Inner and Outer) for the first time in my life! It was so much fun! I arrived at Rangkas Bitung Station as my meeting point with the team. After that, we took a 1.5 ish hour trip with this minibus looking thing to this place called Ciboleger Village. We ate a bit, and had some light conversation, like yknow, asking names and stuff. But I can't really remember names that well, so I forgot everything in a heartbeat HAHA :( but I remembered the names eventually At 2 p.m, we took some pictures and started walking and I SWEAR THE FIRST FEW STEPS WAS THE HARDEST!! Our beautiful faces before the trip. There were guys too, but they didn't do pics as much lmao Maybe our bodies weren't really used to walking while carrying a lot of stuff in such a hilly environment, but after an hour it got easier (????) not really but like my heartbeat wasn't a...

Uh, I'm currently working but I thought I might give a few minutes to write this. Today's the first few days at work after Ied Mubarak so... Sebagai penderita PTSD, banyak yang berubah sejak sebelum dan sesudah menderita PTSD. Menurut National Institute of Mental Health, gangguan stres pasca trauma/ post traumatic stress disorder adalah gangguan yang muncul setelah mengalami peristiwa yang mengejutkan, menakutkan, atau berbahaya. Tapiii, gak semua orang yang mengalami peristiwa tersebut termasuk dalam kategori penderita PTSD. Ada beberapa syarat yang harus dipenuhi agar bisa dikategorikan sebagai penderita PTSD, seseorang harus mengalami 4 hal ini dalam waktu satu bulan: 1. Setidaknya satu gejala re-experiencing (mengalami ulang) 2. Setidaknya satu  gejala avoidance (menghindar) 3. Setidaknya dua gejala arousal and reactivity (menggugah dan reaktivitas) 4. Setidaknya dua gejala cognition and mood (kesadaran dan suasana hati) ???? what are those you might ask? We...

Hi! I'm actually in Bogor right now, on the phone with one of my close friends, and everything feels really peaceful. I need to take a train to Semarang at 6 p.m. and tbh I kinda miss working too I'm still fighting my PTSD tho, and making great progress! Some triggers don't even affect me anymore, my panic attacks are getting more bearable, and I hope I'll be fine when I finally move to CH, fingers crossed! The last panic attack was 2 days ago, but other than not being able to sleep (I eventually slept at 2 a.m.) and increasing heartbeat, everything is still controllable. I will not continue working in July, so I think I need to plan some stuff while I'm still in Indonesia... I was thinking of learning French, and also Muaythai, oh and hopefully learn to cook! That would be exciting! But as for now, I'm still working on papers and stuff, pretty cool tho, I learned a lot of new stuff every day while maintaining my mental health's stability So y...

You're probably still too, but this is just devastating. A year.  Cheers to that, shall we? To another sleepless night, as always.

It's about to be 2019 y'allll I'm grateful for everything that I've been through and just FEELING SO FULFILLED RN :") i managed to beat mental illness, get my degree, help ppl, join communities, meet new ppl, work, etc omg like thank u Lord for 2k18 hopefully 2k19 would be another great year 😇

Libera - Be Still My Soul OH MY GOSH SUCH BEAUTY I've been loving this choir group since idk, junior high perhaps, and up till now, they still give me CHILLS. And the lyrics tho... I cannot :' although there are plenty versions of this song, I like this one the most... but of course all the other versions' lyrics are also LIT Be still, my soul, The Lord is on thy side Bear patiently, the cross of grief or pain  Leave to thy God, to order and provide  In every change, He faithful will remain  Be still, my soul, thy best thy heavenly friend  Through thorny ways, leads to a joyful end Be still my soul when dearest friends depart And all is darkened in the vale of tears Then shalt thou better know His love His heart Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears Be still my soul the waves and winds shall know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below Be still …

Em                      G                             C When I have more questions than answers Am                      D                            G When the dawn seems distant in the darkness Em                      G                             C Jesus let Your spirit speak softly Am                     G    Oh to feel the trust You felt C                        D in that garden where You knelt G                    ...

I've been loved, harder than anyone could ever imagine, by someone who barely loved properly. Blessing or curse, I wouldn't know. Help me help him. I can't.

This type of situation's been pretty familiar, to the point where if I don't have any breakdowns for quite a while, I would start questioning things... And... it happened today. Again. For the +++th times It was all started in the morning, and it went downhill I had this dream about that boy who quite leaves an impact, and I woke up terrified. I was having irrational thoughts, again... And I told my abang about it because he's the only person that I can talk to in this kind of situation... but sadly, he was busy  Then, I went to campus, still terrified of what might happen... And I just kept my distance from everyone there but then they decided that it's a good idea to talk to me. I went home, tired of socializing. After that, the "laundry-woman" decided to ask me for money, in the middle of my breakdown. Just. Huh... So yeah, today was not a good day. But thankfully, my abang made time to catch up with me and my conditions so that's pretty good. Y...

Recently, I've been doing something I know I shouldn't... like really shouldn't. But then again, I'm an INFJ, and as an INFJ, I feel a lot. Sometimes, it came out pretty dumb, and kind of insane... Oh well It's been a hell of a ride for the past 33 days (yes I remember the exact number), lots of tears have poured down, lots of panic attacks, lots of... yea basically not a good month. And... today is *probably* the end of the ride. I shouldn't have started this ride at all, but at that time, my heart told a different story. And that's why next time I probably shouldn't follow my heart because...it's just plain stupid, and dangerous. Dangerous? I'll tell you why It was all started with a simple question. And I responded, because honestly, how bad can it be? I was just helping him with his assignment... NO! It was called giving a second chance. He started rambling about how awful his life is since that day , how he still loves me, and so on...

we'll be separated in a moment or two it won't be x-rated or a cheap tattoo you did it you made me stop for my heart just popped it won't be long till I see you where you belong soon you will forget me and all of our memories even the day when you said you loved me like no one else Bisous, Serafina

as I lay back on the chair I saw you and I'm out of breath is it just a game? well what a shame how did we end up like this? close, yet myriads miles away not now, but about to be and that day we'll see you won't know this no, I won't let you know all of these feelings I guess it's all okay the price that I should pay has been kept for 8 straight years of love and left without tears Bisous, Serafina

My old writings are so cringy omg

don't fall in love with him you'll get hurt not your fault nor his time and circumstance are the one to blame can't help but fall deep but honey think of what are you gonna do when you both caught up and can't turn back when the whole world against and no one can fix Bisous, Serafina